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Het is niet makkelijk om een zinnig gesprek met een mens te voeren. Jullie verstaan ons niet. Jullie horen ‘Miauw’ en ‘Mrrrrrrr!’ en ‘Wrow?’ en dat is het dan. Geef het maar toe: geen mens kent alle toonhoogtes, bijklanken en supertrillinkjes die alleen al aan het woord ‘miauw’ meer dan 127 betekenissen geven. Komt de miauw achter uit de keel, of rolt hij van het puntje van de tong? Is het een peinzende miauw die uiting geeft aan grote diepzinnigheid, of betekent hij eenvoudig: ‘Hier met die tonijn?’ Jullie zullen het nooit weten.
Dus lezen jullie een boekje of een stom berichtje op Facebook, en dan vinden jullie jezelf al heel wijs. ‘Kijk,’ zeggen jullie dan. ‘Hij is boos; hij slaat met zijn staart.’ Ja, duh!
Nou ja, we moeten het met jullie doen, hè. Jullie hebben tenslotte de blikopener. Maar soms zijn we wel erg beledigd, hoor. Dan zit je als kat bijvoorbeeld met je bekje half open een beetje voor je uit te loensen, zegt zo’n sufferd van een mens: ‘Ha, ha! Je ruikt zeker iets vies, hè?’
Nee, mens! Ik ben dan gewoon ff de boel van dichtbij aan het ruiken. Maar dat begrijpen jullie niet, want jullie hebben maar één neus. Wij hebben er nóg een, in ons bekje, waar je hem niet kunt zien. En dat is heel handig, vooral omdat we nogal hanig zijn. Dat is het tegenovergestelde van kippig.
Misschien heb je wel eens gemerkt dat wij tussen veraf en dichtbij even de weg kwijt zijn. Dan hou je een plakje kip op, en dan komen wij gauw aandribbelen. Maar als we dichterbij komen, dan lijkt het wel alsof we dat plakje ineens niet meer zien. Dat is ook zo. Dat komt door onze hanigheid. Maar we kunnen prima zonder leesbrilletje, hoor, want we schakelen gewoon over op neus 1. Dat is de neus die jullie kennen.
Voor een plakje kip is dat genoeg: eerst zien we het, dan ruiken we het, en dan eten we het op. Of we gaan met een beledigd gezicht over de grond krabben alsof we het willen begraven. Niet omdat die kip vies is, of bedorven, maar gewoon, om jullie te foppen. Wij, katten, lachen wat af in onze wollen vuistjes.
Maar soms komen we een héél interessant luchtje tegen. Dat we denken: is er nou een nieuwe kater in de tuin geweest? Of: wat ruikt mijn neus? Een mooie meid? Of: heeft deze tas in een huis gestaan waar een h**d woont? Dan zuigen we een beetje lucht in neus 2, en dan gaan we de boel eens van dichtbij ruiken. Zo doen we dat.
O ja: voordat je nou denkt dat ik jullie wat op de mouw zit te spelden (zou zomaar kunnen): je kunt het gewoon nakijken. Mens zegt: zoek maar op ‘orgaan van Jacobson’ of ‘vomeronasaal orgaan’ (dat is gewoon neus 2, maar daar moeten jullie weer een rare naam voor verzinnen) en bij ‘flemen’.
Zo. Nu ga ik even dromen van bijzondere luchtjes. Want wij wonen wel bij jullie in huis, en wij slapen wel op jullie schoot, maar intussen leven we in onze eigen wereld.
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