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De mannen in mijn omgeving hebben een laag machogehalte. Dat komt niet alleen doordat ik met een boog om spierballende kerels heenloop, maar ook doordat zij om mij heenlopen. We hebben elkaar gewoon niks te melden. Ik zoek mijn heil liever bij de zachtaardige types, die hun gevoel van eigenwaarde niet ontlenen aan hun bral- en zuipvermogen, maar die gewoon deugen.
Denk nu niet dat een deugend type per definitie geen spijker in een stuk hout kan slaan. Ik ken al jaren een heel aardige klusmeneer, die vreselijk handig is en alles kan. Hij zaagt, boort, freest en schroeft alsof het niks is. Maar zonder poeha. Hij trommelt niet met zijn vuisten op zijn borstkas, slaakt geen oerkreten en zegt niks neerbuigends over ‘de vrouwtjes’.
Maar op een dag botste ik toch ineens op de oerman die al die tijd diep in hem verscholen zat. Ik had de klusmeneer gevraagd een wandcontactdoos (in lekentaal een stopcontact) te verplaatsen wegens een uitdijende boekenkast. Volgens hem was dat geen enkel probleem: een kwestie van frezen.
‘Ja, maar pas op: deze muren zijn bikkelhard! Ik heb er heel wat boren op gebroken.’
‘Geen probleem, hoor. Ik heb een goeie frees.’
‘Er zitten kiezels in het beton. Weet je zeker dat dat goed gaat?’
‘Natuurlijk. Ik heb een professionele frees!’
‘Je onderschat die muur, John. Straks is je frees aan diggelen.’
Toen kwam meneer Neanderthaler uit zijn grot gekropen, staarde me vanonder zijn wenkbrauwrichels aan, en zei: ‘Dat komt echt hélemaal goed, want ik heb een ontzettend zware, professionele frees!’
Juistem. De oude Sigmund fluisterde in mijn oor: ‘Er spricht gar nicht von seiner Fräse, verstehen Sie?’ Ik verstand het maar al te goed, maar dat kun je in zo’n situatie ook niet zomaar zeggen. Dus knikte ik ganz beeindruckt, en ging de brandblusser halen. Want als je door kiezels probeert te frezen naast een houten boekenkast vol papieren boeken, dan vráág je om ongelukken.
John zette zijn frees op de muur, en begon. Het ding maakte een geweldig kabaal, en – inderdaad – de vonken sproeiden in het rond. Ik zat er vlakbij, met de brandblusser in de aanslag.
Toen John even ophield om te kijken hoe het met de muur ging, ontvouwde zich een griezelig schouwspel: er zat – na al dat geweld – nog maar een piepklein gleufje in het beton. Op de bodem daarvan gloeiden een paar kiezels ons als minivulkaantjes tegemoet. Lavakleurig. Héét!
Maar meneer Neanderthaler had zich niet voor niets bevrijd uit zijn jarenlange gevangenschap: hij pikte dit niet! En gewapend met zijn zéér zware, ongelofelijk professionele frees stortte hij zich weer met oermannenmoed op de muur.
De kiezels gaven geen sjoege. Ze veranderden alleen van kleur: van rood naar geel, van geel naar wit… Ik omklemde de brandblusser, knarste met mijn tanden en hoopte er het beste van. Tegen deze losgeslagen oermens was ik niet opgewassen, laat staan tegen die superieure frees met reuzenkrachten.
Na een poosje hield John abrupt op. Hij keek nog eens in het minieme sleufje, van waaruit de witgloeiende kiezels onverschrokken terugstaarden. Daarna tuurde hij mismoedig naar zijn frees, waarvan de bladen beslist niet meer de strakke, messcherpe uitstraling hadden van weleer. Integendeel: ze hingen er nogal slapjes bij.
De vriendelijke, zachtaardige klusmeneer was terug.
Hij zei een beetje stilletjes: ‘Ehm… Mijn frees is gesmolten.’
‘Ik zie het,’ zei ik. Misschien had ik erbij moeten zeggen: ‘Geeft niks hoor, dat kan de beste overkomen.’ Wat ik godzijdank níét zei, was: ‘Ik heb het wel gezegd!’
Hij knikte naar de beschadigde muur.
‘Wat nu?’
Ik wuifde in gedachten meneer Neanderthaler na, die zich schielijk uit de voeten maakte met zijn frees tussen de benen. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
‘Ach,’ zei ik. ‘Plamuur maar dicht. Ik zaag wel een gat in mijn boekenkast voor dat stopcontact. Koffie?’
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