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Een van mijn fans vroeg of ik wilde uitleggen waarom wij, katten, superidinges (Wat was het ook alweer, mens? O ja: superieur) zijn aan andere dieren. Daar moest ik een poosje over nadenken (mens dacht dat ik sliep). Weet je wat het is: dat hóéf ik toch niet uit te leggen? Het is zo klaar als een klontje. Maar als ik het toch probeer, wordt het wel een héél lange blog. Nou ja, vooruit dan maar. Ik geef gewoon een paar voorbeelden. En dan vergelijk ik ons met mensen en *kuch* h**den.
Elegant
Zoals wij bewegen, beweegt niemand. Vergelijk onze soepele manier van lopen, rennen, vliegen, klimmen, springen, liggen, hangen en zitten maar eens met de lompe, hoekige bewegingen van jullie en jullie h**den! Onze sierlijkheid is beroemd. Onze lichtvoetigheid is een begrip. Elk kattenstapje is een danspas.
Slim
Mensen zeggen vaak dat h**den slim zijn omdat ze kunstjes kunnen doen. En mensen vinden zichzelf nog slimmer dan h**den, omdat zij hun die kunstjes leren.
Ha, zeg ik. En nog eens: HA! Want wat klopt hier niet? Mijn mens kent een heleboel kunstjes. Ze gooit met mijn balletjes, ze klimt op de knuffeltrapleer om me te aaien, ze kriebelt onder mijn truitje, ze tilt het dekbed voor me op… Ze is best slim, hoor! Maar ik ben slimmer, want wie heeft haar die kunstjes geleerd? Ikke! Dus als we nu alles even in de goeie volgorde zetten, dan zie je dat de kat het slimste is, en dan de mens, en dan een hele poos niks, en dan de h**d.
W/R/F/. Wat? O, moet ik een toets naar links? Oké, jij je zin: Q.E.D.
Zoetgeurend
Gezonde katten ruiken naar pasgestoomde dekens, bosviooltjes of wilde muskus. H**den ruiken naar talg. Mens ruikt het nog als er een uur geleden een h**d in de lift heeft gestaan! En over mensen heb ik het maar helemaal niet. Geen wonder dat h**den en mensen met water en zeep gewassen moeten worden!
Wij wassen ons met ons tongetje. En dat lijkt een beetje op de Steen der Wijzen (je weet wel, kan lood in goud veranderen). Geef ons een lekker maaltje vis, zodat onze adem ruikt naar de vismarkt na sluitingstijd. Daarna likken we ons vachtje en… bingo: bosviooltjes! Knap, hè?
Zoetgevooisd
Miauwtjes beginnen zacht, en zwellen dan langzaam en melodieus aan. Ze bereiken bijna nooit méér dan 90 decibel (Siamezen). Ze zitten vol betekenis en zijn een streling voor het oor. Nee, dan de kef. Vreselijk! Je schrikt je de blaren. Hard, schel en veel te plotseling! Mensen kunnen ook keffen, maar ze kunnen ook heel zachtjes praten. Dat vinden wij dan fijn.
Communicatief
Wij praten niet alleen met onze stemmen, maar ook met onze spinspiertjes, klauwtjes, oren, ogen, snorren, rugharen… kortom, ons hele lijfje. Maar vooral met onze staart!
Jullie hebben geen staart. Het is al erg om familie te zijn van de apen, maar dat je dan ook nog een primáát bent: een aap zonder staart. Dat is wel heel zielig. H**den hebben wel een staart, maar wat doen ze ermee? Kwispelen. Omhoog steken of omlaag laten hangen. Dat is het wel. Nee, dan wij: van het sierlijke vraagteken via de wandelstok, het uitroepteken, het bibberstaartje, de zwiep, het wiebelpuntje tot en met de vervaarlijke kerstboom: wij praten heel wat af met onze staarten!
Nou, ik ga er in een volgende blog wel eens op door, maar jullie snappen het al, hè: wij zijn superieurder dan jullie en (vooral) véél superieurder dan de h**den.
En ik ben het superieurst!
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